Weekend Wedding Warriors
Bay Area couples are opting to extend their festivities and throw a two- or three-day party

The morning after their wedding last March, Tammie Helm and Greg Diener led their guests on a brisk walk to watch elephant seals laze about on the beaches of Ano Nuevo State Reserve. After hiking for about a mile and a half, the wedding party reached a pod of pungent pinnipeds and their pups, slowly turning sideways somersaults in the sand.

Unlike most newly minted couples, who might be sipping mimosas on a sun deck their first morning as husband and wife, Helm and Diener planned on keeping the celebration rolling. They invited their guests to spend the entire weekend at Costanoa, a coastal lodge about 55 miles south of San Francisco, with accommodations ranging from upscale rooms to tent cabins.

Their celebration began with a rehearsal dinner on Friday night, peaked with the wedding and reception on Saturday, and culminated Sunday with the hike to commune with the seals. In between the main events, guests went horseback riding, mountain biking and hiking, and spent time hanging out and getting to know one another.

"It prolongs the fun - even a weekend wedding goes by too fast," said Helm, a marketing manager who lives in Menlo Park. "I can't imagine having a wedding that only lasted a few hours."

According to Bay Area wedding experts, more and more couples are choosing to have weekend weddings that include all their guests. Though many traditional weddings span entire weekends, with rehearsal dinners or day-after brunches for out-of-towners, these aren't the same as weddings where everyone is invited to share two or three days together.

With weekend weddings, "we've found everyone gets to know one another on a much deeper level," said Dr. Michelle Gannon, a psychologist who co-founded Marriage Prep 101, a two-day course for couples considering marriage. "It's a way to create support and community because there's more time to spend with the couple," Gannon said. "You can celebrate the couple more."

Gannon and her husband, Dr. Patrick Gannon, who's also a psychologist, were married in 1995 at Churchill Manor, a Napa bed and breakfast, and celebrated over an entire weekend. The day after their wedding the Gannons mounted a tandem bicycle and led their guests on a 20-mile al fresco wine-tasting tour along Napa's Silverado Trail. "It was so wonderful to be able to visit more, bike, taste wine and picnic together," she said. " We still draw from that weekend: Every year on our anniversary we watch our wedding video - now we watch it with our kids."

But weekend weddings are not without hazards. "Some couples over-focus on the wedding and not on the relationship," Gannon said. With a weekend wedding, couples can lose track of what's important if they're too concerned with impressing their guests. People in the Bay Area tend to overemphasize events, she added. "They're hungry for ritual and want an event to remember. If the focus of the weekend wedding is getting to spend time with the couple and the agenda is casual, that's better than making sure you have perfect souvenirs and T-shirts. If it's an event based on getting to know one another and having fun, then it helps lay a foundation of support for the couple and their marriage."

Wedding coordinator Tosca Clark has seen the weekend wedding trend proliferate, and notes they're especially suited to couples with many out-of- town guests. "People in the Bay Area have lots of relatives coming in from out of town, and when they come here for a wedding, they want to make a vacation out of it," said Clark, whose Daly City company Tosca Productions helps couples plan events. She says weekend weddings are akin to family reunions because people don't come together as often as they once did.

While weekend weddings give guests time to enjoy activities together, Clark says it's crucial that the bride and groom don't feel obligated to attend every event. She advises them to appoint a friend or family member to coordinate each activity so the couple can enjoy the weekend rather than feel like camp counselors. "You need to be flexible: Guests should be able to do things on their own or with the group." Clark suggests couples provide a welcome letter spotlighting nearby attractions so guests can explore on their own.

Rochelle Edwards, a mediator and therapist who lives in Woodacre, wholeheartedly agrees. "We felt like we were on all the time - everyone wanted a piece of us," she said. It was exhausting at times, but Edwards has no regrets whatsoever about having a weekend-long celebration. "The memory of our event has sustained us for so long," she said. "It's like glue in our relationship." Edwards and her Chilean-born husband, Andres were married in 1995 at Shenoa Retreat Center, along the Navarro River in Mendocino County's Anderson Valley.

(Shenoa is no longer open to the public.)

Many of Andres' relatives "gave us the gift of coming" all the way from Chile "so we wanted to give them the gift of a relaxing, wonderful weekend," Edwards said. "We wanted to share meals together, go hiking together and play with one another's kids."

Though some couples are apprehensive about how their guests will relate with one another, most find their worlds don't collide; they combine to create a supportive community. "At times it was hard to believe that we created this (community) and all these people were there to celebrate us," Edwards said. One highlight was seeing two friends get together at the wedding; the relationship has lasted more than seven years.

Some people don't consider weekend weddings because they believe longer events are too expensive. But facilities and packages run the gamut from ultra- rustic and affordable to upscale and pricey. Another option for extending the celebration is a destination wedding, where the guests join the couple at, for example, a Hawaiian resort, a Mexican hacienda or an all-inclusive facility like Sandals or Club Med. But destination weddings work best for those who want to celebrate with just a few close friends and relatives - for a more inclusive affair, many Bay Area couples select a wedding site within driving distance of their homes. (Some Northern California facilities that host weekend weddings are listed in the accompanying box.)

Sean McNeil and Leila Rand of Sebastopol were married in 1997 at a down- home retreat center called Wellspring, near Philo in the Anderson Valley. "Some people spend more on their cake than we spent on our wedding," McNeil said. Wellspring's fee was low, and guests paid for their own rooms or pitched a tent. Other friends chipped in by volunteering to cook a meal. "It certainly wasn't the most lavish wedding," he said, "but a lot of people said it was the best wedding they've ever been to."

In planning their wedding, "we stopped thinking about what we'd serve for dinner and thought about what we wanted to create," McNeil said. "To do everything we wanted, we had to have a weekend wedding."

McNeil and Rand sought to unite their disparate communities - which include Muslims, Jews and Christians - into a foundation of support for the weekend and beyond. "It's not necessarily a community that would have organically formed - Leila's friends were reading their books while my friends were surrounding the keg," McNeil said. Which brought up another benefit of the weekend wedding: Having a party where no one has to drive home is a blessing for those who like to indulge in celebratory libations. "It gives people the freedom to enjoy themselves - they didn't have to worry about getting back to their hotel."

Helm, the Costanoa bride, said a key to the success of her wedding was choosing a location somewhat removed from the city. Even Bay Area people felt they were getting away for the weekend - it wouldn't have been the same at a San Francisco hotel. Rather than commute to the wedding, friends got involved and led activities, she said. "It helps if all your guests feel like they're part of the celebration rather than just attending an event."

Jed Ayers, co-owner of Mendocino's historic MacCallum House Inn, agrees. "Bringing everyone together in a beautiful setting away from everyday life provides a backdrop and a focus on friendship and family that is hard to replicate," he said. "By the end of two or three days, people are relaxed and in a different space than when they arrived. It helps that they are in a small village surrounded by the beautiful Pacific on three sides with no cell-phone coverage."

But no matter how tranquil the setting, the bride and groom are inevitably exhausted after hosting a two- or three-day party. Several said they were relieved they didn't have to rush to an airport at the weekend's conclusion.

Rochelle and Andres Edwards honeymooned along the Mendocino Coast, about an hourlong drive from the retreat center where they were married. "The last day, Andres and I could feel ourselves physically coming down from the weekend. We were so tired but in such a state of bliss," Rochelle Edwards said.

"On the drive to Mendocino, we were quiet, integrating the whole weekend, and suddenly noticed a caravan of cars and trucks behind us. We were so tired we were driving about 25 miles per hour," she said. "So we pulled over to let everyone go by. A few minutes later we looked up and saw another caravan and had to pull over again."

RESOURCES FOR WEEKEND WEDDINGS

Following is a selection of facilities that host weekend weddings as well as Web sites that can help with event planning. Facility prices depend on party size, season and type of package - check with the places below or with other facilities for prices. Three-day weekends often book well in advance (a year or more). Call or check the Web sites of the listings below for more information.

-- Facilities

Costanoa: About 55 miles south of San Francisco on the coast near 30,000 acres of hiking and biking trails. Lodging for more than 300 people includes an upscale lodge, tent cabins, tent sites and RV spaces. 2001 Rossi Road at Highway 1, Pescadero, CA 94060. Call (650) 879-1100 or visit http://www.costanoa.com/.

Kennolyn Conference Center: Near Santa Cruz, offers a "hilltop hacienda" for wedding receptions, cabins and cottages for about 100 people, and 300 acres of hiking trails. 8400 Glen Haven Road, Soquel, CA 95073. Call (831) 479- 6700 or visit http://www.kennolyn.com/.

MacCallum House Inn: A historic 120-year-old Victorian mansion in downtown Mendocino. The inn accommodates about 60 people - others can stay at the inn's vacation rentals down the street. 45020 Albion St., Mendocino, CA 95460. Call (707) 937-0289.

Wellspring Renewal Center: A genuinely rustic retreat center perched above the Navarro River near Philo in the Anderson Valley wine country. An affordable option for those on a budget. P.O. Box 332, Philo, CA 95466. Call (707) 895-3893.

Westerbeke Ranch: Five miles west of the town of Sonoma. A rural facility in the heart of the wine country with lodging for 51 overnight guests - up to 120 people can attend events. 2300 Grove St., Sonoma, CA 95476. Call (707) 996- 7546 or visit http://www.westranch.com/.

White Sulphur Springs Inn and Spa: a five-minute drive from St. Helena, houses up to 100 people along a creek where salmon spawn. The springs are natural but not heated - weddings are held in a grove of redwoods. 3100 White Sulphur Springs Road, St. Helena, CA 94574. Call (800) 593-8873 or visit http://www.whitesulphursprings.com/. Wildwood Retreat: is located atop Spring Mountain in western Sonoma County in a forested setting with 210 acres of hiking trails. Lodging for up to 66 people in guest rooms or on tent platforms. P.O. Box 78, Guerneville, CA 95446.

Call (707) 632-5321 or visit http://www.wildwoodretreat.com/.

-- Web sites

Here Comes the Guide (http://www.herecomestheguide.com/) features a search form for finding event locations.The Knot (http://www.theknot.com/) provides general wedding advice including tips for planning weekend and destination weddings.

Marriage Prep 101 (www.mar riageprep101.com) is a wedding-prep course led by Michelle and Patrick Gannon.

-M.S.